(May 2017)

Soundtrack: Not Today – Imagine Dragons

“It’s gotta get easier, oh easier somehow
Cause I’m falling, I’m falling
Oh easier and easier somehow
Oh I’m calling, I’m calling
And it isn’t over unless it is over
I don’t wanna wait for that
It’s gotta get easier and easier somehow
But not today
Not today”


I make it back home at the beginning of the month. This time I am leaving Germany for good. At least it seems like it. My experience in Munich was not particularly happy or fulfilling, but I have also met great people and I am grateful for that. I would like to think that there can be good even in bad situations. It might be a very simplistic way of seeing the world, but it is less depressing that the real thing, and it gives me hope. Accepting this job in Munich might not have brought me anything, professionally, but personally it allowed me to make new friendships, and learn a bit more about what I can endure and what I want, or rather what I do not want in my life. And by the time I leave the country one last time, a page is turned for good. I just don’t know it yet. There is a quote I like that says “every ending is a new beginning, we just don’t know it at the time“. I like that idea. I just wish I knew what that beginning was.

May has just started and the company I worked for in Munich and I are still discussing the extension of my contract remotely. I see right from the beginning that they are making excuses and trying to make things difficult and come back on their initial promise and I don’t want to fall back into the same cycle as the one I was stuck in a few months before. I keep my distances and start wondering if this is ever going to work out. I question what I would do if it didn’t. I know that I am not attached to that job and that I do not particularly care about it but it is also a good opportunity, a stepping stone. I plan on going to Canada and try to settle there but for some reason I was always afraid of looking for a job there directly. Living there while working remotely for a German company felt more reassuring. I knew the project, I felt competent in the position and I would always have a way back home if I realized I didn’t want to stay in Canada.

But right now it seems that it won’t work out the way I planned… What’s the point in making plans I wonder, if they always end up being turned upside down? Little by little, it seems to become more obvious that the working relationship will come to an end sooner than expected. At first I feel divided about that perspective. If this opportunity falls through, I would be starting from scratch again, but somehow the idea of starting over and finding a job in Canada doesn’t seem so terrifying anymore. It seems that something in me has shifted and somehow now I feel ready. Paulo Coelho wrote in The AlchemistWhen you can’t go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward“, and I guess he was right. So I start looking for jobs in Montreal while I keep waiting for a final decision from Munich. And when the decision comes, I don’t even answer. I have no regrets.

I visit my best friend Manon and her little family for a weekend in Brittany. We watch an episode of one of our favorite TV show s together and walk along the sea side. We eat at a crêpe restaurant in town and joke about the fact that we must look like a strange modern family, us two girls, the baby and her baby daddy. We imagine people wondering if we are a lesbian couple spending time with their baby and bio daddy. It feels good to be reunited with her for a while. We’ve been through a lot together these last thirteen years, and our friendship has this strong will-last-forever foundation, and no matter how far away we are, we are always very close. Our lives are completely different now, her who just became a mum and me planning to travel the world and starting from scratch, but we share the same values and are similar in many ways, both looking for that sense of purpose that seems to be missing in our professional lives right now.

At the end of the month, my marents and I go on a family holiday and make it to the little house in Spain. Things feel a bit different here in lots of small ways, more relaxed, less stressful and at the same time more accelerating. Even though I haven’t been overwhelmed by work in May, this feels like a proper holiday, a family get away from everyone and everything else. I stay in the little studio at the end of the yard so I have some privacy. I wake up the first morning with the sun flooding the room. Everyone has gone to the market so I am all alone. I take my breakfast quietly, reading a new book and when I head back outside it is warm and sunny and it gives me a rush to do things, be productive, get on with my day. I busy myself around the house, do some sports and get ready. I don’t think for a minute about next steps and the state of my life right now, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing.

My dad finally joins us a few days later and it makes my heart full. Things feel more complete now that he is here, as if everything is where it belongs and we can enjoy life together before I have to leave again. I like being on the move and discovering new places but there is no better feeling than the feeling of being at home. And this, here, is a bit of home too.

My mum’s brother and one of her sisters and their families are here as well, along with my grandma. We do lots of touristy things and spend lots of time at the table, eating, drinking, discussing, enjoying life together. I take my first swim of the year in the pool and my first swim in the sea and it feels great. We go on a shopping spree and I buy a lot of things I don’t really need. But that as well feels good.

The month ends while we are on our way back from Spain. It ends in a much better note that it started but I have a lot of thinking to do. Now it is time for me to figure out what I am going to do next. I am once again jobless and back to square one, but I am not as terrified anymore. Somehow I am convinced that everything will be fine, things will start to fall into place little by little until all is right in my life again. Not today, not tomorrow but someday soon. I believe everything happens for a reason. No way back right?

‘Til next time…


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